then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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