Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Randomize
