drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
