Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
This gyro tastes like lonliness
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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