Fine. I'll sleep in my office
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
