Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
