im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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