Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
