if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
