I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
