I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
