2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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