I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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