Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
