his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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