Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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