I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
