it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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