Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize