You made me cry and you don't even care
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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