So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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