i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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