The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
