someone threw a dead crab at me
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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