I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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