Too much gin, very little bucket
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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