my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
