remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my being single is dangerous.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize