I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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