Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
