just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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