I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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