I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Come on in and take your pants off
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