Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
