On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
