Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
