Swine flu. Run for my life!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
