If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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