remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
