remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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