I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
