I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
