I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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