You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
