Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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