I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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