Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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