census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
