Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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