Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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