Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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