Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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