Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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