Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
