Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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