I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
