Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
